Middleground
by olympicmayhem
Summary: She can't move on. He can't go back. And both of them try to seek a middle ground. Rated T for mentions of suicide.


_Middleground_

* * *

She takes in a deep breath, squints her eyes shut tighter. "It was just a dream," she reminds herself. "When I open my eyes, everything will fade."

Slowly her eyes open, and artificial light comes blinding her. White. It was all white. The ceiling, the walls, the bedspreads. Everything. And the scent- a sickening mixture of death and antiseptic. She groans, touches her wrist. It was bandaged. Of course it was bandaged. How many times have they bandaged this same wrist for the past six months? She wonders. And why do they even try?

The door rattles open and, too weak to get up, she slowly twists her head to see who the visitor is. A raven-haired beauty steps in, takes the stool beside her bed, and just stares at her until she begins to feel awkward. She gives out a slight cough, and the friend beside her heaves a big sigh.

"How many times do you have to keep doing this?" her raven-haired friend asked.

"I don't know," she says in a raspy voice. "Maybe until I'm satisfied. She closes her eyes again. Beside her, she hears her friend let out another sigh.

"It's been many years Kayano. You have to let it go."

"It has been, and yet it seems like you'll never learn how to properly call me huh?" she lets out a hoarse laugh, opens her eyes to see her reaction. Her friend frowns but doesn't give a reply.

"How am I going to let it go?" she continues, all trace of humor gone. "Every time I close my eyes, I see her. I see _them_. They won't leave me alone Kanzaki."

The look her friend gives her infuriates her. She doesn't need pity. She needs to be able to breathe freely.

"Just...go." she tells Kanzaki. "I want to get some more rest." She twists her body to the other side, shuts her eyes, and hears the scraping of metal against linoleum as Kanzaki gets up from her chair.

"Take care, Kayano. Don't do anything stupid." The bedridden girl didn't move, and Kanzaki lets out another sigh. She seems to let out a lot of those when she's with her, the bedridden girl thinks. Akari hears her heels clacking on the floor, hears the door softly shut behind her, and feels the hot tears slide down her cheeks, falling to the pillow.

He wakes up to the sound of the alarm clock on his bedside table, stretches his hand out to stop it, and spends the next few minutes staring at his ceiling. He was having a dream, that dream, again. He groans, presses his palms against his eye sockets, as if he'd be able to push the memory away. "It was just a dream," he murmurs to himself. "You should forget about it."

He sits up straight then, shaking his head to get rid of all negative energy before he stands up and head to the shower to take a nice, long, refreshing bath. He wears the slick black suit he's now accustomed to wearing and heads down to his kitchen to pour himself some milk and cereal in a bowl. He finishes it quickly though, places the bowl in the sink thinking he'd wash it later, and hurries out of the door.

The drive to the office didn't take long, his apartment isn't that far anyway. He reports to higher-ups by nine, works until his eyes are red, and was just about to leave the building at ten in the evening when he bumps into Kanzaki Yukiko, who surprisingly ended up working at the Ministry of Defense as well.

"Oh Kanzaki-san. Hi." he greeted her with his usual smile. The smile was returned to him, albeit a little strained, but he didn't pry. It must be because she's tired, he thinks.

"Nagisa-kun. I was just about to get a cup of coffee. Wanna join me?" the raven-haired female invited. Nagisa nodded, telling her he'd like a cup of coffee as well, and followed her to a cafe not far from their workplace.

The soft tinkle of the bell sounded as they opened the door of the cafe and they entered inside. The pleasant smell of coffee permeated the air and he inhaled the scent of it, feeling his muscles relax. Classical music fills the air, probably Chopin by the sound of it. He turned to look at his raven-haired companion.

"I'll go order our drinks. You go find us a table. What do you want?"

"A cafe latte would do." Kanzaki answered with a smile. He nodded and went to the queue while his friend went on and searched for a table.

It took him fifteen minutes to order and another five to wait before the drinks were given to him: a cafe latte for Kanzaki and an Americano for him. He balances the tray laden with drinks on both hands and makes his way down the cafe, eyes darting here and there to look for Kanzaki.

He found her on a table by the window, sitting with her back straight and watching the people outside, obviously in her own little world. He places the tray on the table, plops himself down on the wooden chair, and coughed a little to let the other person know that he was there. She whipped her head around, looking a little surprised, and tries to cover it with a smile.

"Thank you. I should pay you for this."

"No need," he said with a shake of the head, taking the cup of Americano. "It's my treat."

"Thank you." the female repeated. "Next time we go out, it's gonna be on me."

"I'm the man here. I should be the one treating you." Kanzaki just smiled and took the latte from the tray. Nagisa continued to blow on the coffee.

"I didn't know you like Americano Nagisa-kun," Kanzaki said after a few minutes of silence. "I had you pegged to be the type to like something sweeter."

"People change, Kanzaki-san."

"Yeah..." she mumbled into her coffee with eyes that were a little sad, and maybe a little reminiscent. Nagisa decided to ignore it.

The laptop on the next table shows a video that Nagisa could see. A video of a man pitching in a baseball game. He knows who the man is of course. He's been close to both of them ever since they were in their teens.

"Sugino-kun's been all over the media lately huh?" Nagisa said with a sip of his Americano.

"Yeah. It's because he made it to the Major League right?" Kanzaki smiled proudly.

"So you two are still dating?" Nagisa noticed a pink flush adorning Kanzaki when he asked the question, which made him smile. He remembered how Sugino-kun was so head-over-heels back when...he cut the thought before it was finished.

"Yes. He's coming over next week as a matter of fact."

"That's great news then."

"Remember when Koro-sensei flew over to America to watch a baseball match just so he could help Sugino-kun?" Kanzaki asked, and Nagisa tried to block her out as she continued to talk animatedly about the past. His grip on the coffee cup tightened and his face darkened.

"Stop..." he whispered to himself, shutting his eyes as the memories flood him. "I said stop!"

Kanzaki stopped talking. The whole cafe went silent. He opened his eyes and saw that everyone was staring at him and realized that he must've shouted at her.

"I-I'm sorry," he stuttered out. "I-I didn't mean to shout at you. I swear."

Kanzaki looked at him with those sad eyes and shakes her head.

"No no. It's fine. It's just that..." she hesitated, took a sip of coffee, as if trying to calm her nerves down. "Kayano. Have you been in touch with her lately?"

The question surprised him. Kayano Kaede, or Yukimura Akari, the name that gives him the shivers, makes him feel the guilt a hundred times worse.

"No," he answered. "I haven't been in touch with her since...that day. Why?"

"She-" her phone rang, and with a heavy sigh of frustration, she dug her phone out of her bag and brought it to her ears. "Yeah. Hello?"

He watches as her face morphs into a different expression. Watch her eyes widen. Watch as she brings a hand to cover her mouth.

"Please tell her to wait! I'll be right there!" she disconnects the phone, places it back to her bag.

"I'm sorry Nagisa-kun. Something urgent came up!" she takes one last sip of coffee, stands up, and leaves without saying good-bye.

Nagisa watched her run at the window, finishing his coffee before leaving.

She was strained, with her hands handcuffed to the bed railings, when her friend entered, looking worried. She wanted to laugh because her friend was wearing the exact expression she was imagining her to wear.

"I told you not to do anything stupid!" her friend said, almost shouting at her.

"I wasn't doing anything stupid!"

"Then what do you call jumping off a building?!" Kanzaki retaliated.

"I did not jump! I _tried_. If I did, don't you think I'd be in the ICU or the morgue by now?" she said sarcastically, with a roll of the eyes since she can't do anything else. She heard her friend sigh, she was probably used to her sarcastic behavior by now, and takes her usual seat.

"Tell me," Kanzaki tells her in a voice too soft. "How am I going to help you?"

She closes those golden-brown orbs and sees it: the scene from that day, forever carved into her brain. The way he lands on the hard ground with a loud thud...the way she's dealt with the finishing blow...her arms swinging downwards, both fists tightly clasping the green dagger...she can't stop...her arms were already in motion...

"Hey Kanzaki," she says as her eyes open. "Have you ever thought about what it's like to die?" She gets no verbal response from the raven-haired female, only that look of sadness she's always given her. She continues.

"Have you ever thought about how people feel a few moments before they die? They probably feel scared because they don't know what's waiting for them out there. They don't know if they'd disappear, never to be seen again. People don't really give it much thought, do they? They all say stuff like "I'd rather die" or "This is going to be the death of me" without really giving it much thought huh?"

She looks at the window, sees the black sky, the few stars that managed to make its way past the clouds. She imagines her sister, up there right now, watching her with sad eyes. Her tear ducts start to act up, and without any way to wipe them, she lets them fall freely. She cries until she falls asleep, her beautiful orbs slowly starting to lose focus as she closes them.

Kanzaki watches as she slowly falls into a deep sleep with silent tears of her own clouding her vision. She feels useless, wants to help alleviate her pain but she doesn't know how. Kayano's pain is too deep, she thinks. And she can think of only one person whose pain runs as deep as hers.

"Good night Kayano," she murmurs softly. "Please have pleasant dreams tonight for a change." She then stood up and left the room as quietly as possible.

He walks around the office with a headache, the dream visiting him again last night, waking him up at one in the morning. He couldn't go back to sleep then, afraid that he'd see it again, and decided to wait until it was time to go. He greets his colleagues with his usual smile, tries to finish his work with the usual amount of seriousness. But it's useless. His lack of sleep combined with the dream clouding his thoughts made it almost impossible for him to work. He decided to call it an early night then, and was rubbing his eyes when he bumped into someone. He muttered an apology to whoever it was he bumped.

"Nagisa-kun! Are you alright?" It was Kanzaki. He seems to bump into her a lot lately, ever since they met up and had coffee together that night. He doesn't like it to be honest, tries to avoid her as much as possible, because she was a person from his past and he doesn't want to be reminded of it.

"Kanzaki-san," he said with a strained smile. "I'm fine."

"You look pale."

"I'm fine." he insists, but Kanzaki was having none of it. She insisted they go to the cafe to get some coffee, obviously under the impression that coffee would soothe him. He sighs, too tired to argue, and followed her.

This time, it was Kanzaki who took their orders. Nagisa sat on the wooden chair, fighting the stupor, when Kanzaki brings in the same coffee they had the first time they both went together. Kanzaki looked at him with worry, asking if he was really alright, and Nagisa decides to be honest and tell her it was just the lack of sleep.

"Nagisa-kun, there's something I want to talk to you about." The seriousness in her voice made Nagisa look up, rub his eyes, and drink the coffee. He's got a feeling that he won't like whatever it was the girl in front of him would say.

"What is it?"

"It's about Kayano." And there it is again. The guilt. He cringes, shakes his head to stop the memories from flooding in.

"What about Kayano?"

"She's...she's in trouble Nagisa-kun. She, both of you to be honest, can't seem to move on from that day."

"I have." Nagisa said with a frown. After all, that's what he strove for all those years. "I've been able to move on Kanzaki."

"But you can't talk about the past Nagisa-kun." Kanzaki says with a small smile full of sadness.

Nagisa heaves in a sigh, a little irritated, and asks what he's got to do with the actress. It takes Kanzaki a little moment to reply, her eyes dropping to her coffee.

"You see Nagisa-kun, you're the type of person who can't look back and Kayano...well she's the type of person...who can't see the future ahead of her."

Nagisa waits until she's done explaining. "And what do you want me to do about it?" he asks, having an inkling to where this is going.

Kanzaki looks up from her coffee and looks at him seriously. "Please go see her."

"No."

Kanzaki gives him a surprised look. "But Nagisa-kun, you don't understand!" and she goes on and explains but Nagisa isn't listening. He slams his cup of coffee on the table hard and gives Kanzaki a look that made the woman slightly shiver.

"You don't understand Kanzaki. I can't see her." he said, and the misery was so plain on his face, in his eyes, that Kanzaki didn't argue. He walks out of the cafe, shame hanging over him for being a coward.

Thoughts of Kayano Kaede occupy his mind the next few days. He tries to bury himself with more work, tries not to sleep as much as possible because sleep only brings him more memories of her. Sometimes he's tempted to call Kanzaki, ask her what was wrong with the closest girl friend he's had back in middle school, but the fear closes in, paralyzes him, and he tries to perish the thought.

Kanzaki never bothered him again after their talk. They'd sometimes see each other at work, giving small smiles and nothing else.

The guilt is there of course. It's like a shadow, following him everywhere, and he was just doing his best to ignore it after all those years.

"Please tell Kayano to calm down. I'm coming there." he hears Kanzaki's panicked voice before he sees her. He didn't know whether he should leave her or not but leaving her there alone would seem heartless. He sighs, he really is too good a person.

"Kanzaki-san, what's wrong?" The said woman turned around, ran towards him and asked him to take her to the hospital. The look she gives him makes it hard for him to refuse.

Kanzaki tells him everything inside the car, and this time he listened carefully. He keeps his eyes on the road, his grip on the wheel tightening with every word that pours out of the female's lips.

They arrive shortly at the hospital and his female companion leads him to her room at a run. He can feel his heart pounding, each beat faster than the first. I'm not going to go back, he tells himself. I'm not going back halfway.

They stop in front of a door, and he sees Kanzaki take a sideways glance at him, maybe making sure he was ready, and she opened the door and makes her way in. He takes in a deep breath, walks in after Kanzaki, and sees her for the first time in ten years. He hears Kanzaki talk, but he doesn't understand what she's saying. His brain must've shut off, only processing the girl lying on the bed. Her hair isn't green anymore, it's a rich black color, a stark contrast to the paleness of her skin. She's beautiful, he thinks. His eyes meet hers, and the flashback came more vividly than ever before. He knows she saw them too, the way those eyes flash that look of pain he sees every time he looks at the mirror.

"Hi." He thinks it was a stupid greeting but there's nothing else that pops into his head. He stays behind Kanzaki, afraid to move closer to her. She doesn't talk, only gives him a slight nod, but he noticed the small knuckles resting on top of the blanket tighten. Kanzaki continues to talk, probably sensing the the heavy tension that looms inside the bedridden girl's room.

It takes the black-haired woman about fifteen minutes before she gives up on trying to start conversations with the other two people inside the room, they give only mere nods and a "yeah" here and there.

"I'm leaving." she tells both of them. She makes her way towards the door, and paused to give the bluenette a look that he understands all too well. He is not allowed to leave Yukimura Akari alone. She nods her head and leaves, shutting the door behind her. Nagisa heaved a sigh, turning his attention back on the friend he once had. He takes the stool beside the bed and sits down, his hands folded on his thighs, and stares at Yukimura Akari with a mixture of fear and worry. He doesn't really know what to tell her. What do you tell to a person you've tried to escape for years? He wonders.

"So how are you Nagisa?" she asks in a hoarse voice that made him worry.

"I'm fine."

"I see you've cut your hair." she says with the barest trace of a smile and he raises a hand up to where his twin tails had been during middle school.

"Yeah," he said. "I had it cut right after our graduation." To sever ties with that past, he wanted to add. She doesn't reply, just gives him that sad look he's sure she's been wearing for a long time.

They lapsed into silence for a second time, none of them knowing what else to say. The small talks don't do anything to alleviate the awkwardness after all. He just sits there, watching her, until the night has fallen too deep and he has to go.

"I'll be back tomorrow." he tells her before heading out.

"You don't have to..." It was a soft murmur, barely audible for him to catch, but he did. And beneath those words was a sound of sadness that left a pang in his heart.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he tells her, with a finality that surprises them both.

"So how did it go yesterday?" He and Kanzaki were on lunch break and was walking back to their office laden with food when she asked him. He told her what happened after she left, that they didn't talk much, just sat there in silence. Kanzaki frowned, obviously not pleased with his report. He shrugged.

"What did you expect?" Kanzaki rolls her eyes, something Nagisa didn't expect the female to do.

"You can talk about the past. How long has it been since you've last seen her? Nine years?"

"Ten," he muttered, then lets out a sigh. He walks to a table and sits down on the chair before he continues. "Kanzaki-san...the past is something we can't discuss."

"And why not?" Kanzaki sits down opposite him, lets out a sigh of her own. "Nagisa-kun, you have to. You have to help Kayano move on."

"I know that but...I just don't feel like it's the right time for us to talk about...that day..."

Kanzaki reached out for her bag and scrambled inside it, looking for something while muttering things under her breath. She finally took out a photo album and handed it to Nagisa. He took it with a puzzled look.

"I borrowed that from Okajima-kun the other day. You can use that." He opened the album and browsed through it, a mixture of reminiscence and pain filling him inside. He nods.

"Yeah. Okay."

"Hey Kayano." he greets as he enters her room. She gives him a nod and he sits down on the chair he used yesterday.

"Look what I've got." He placed the photo album on the girl's bed and she opened it with those long, porcelain fingers.

"Is this yours?" she asks as she flips through the pages. He shakes his head.

"It's Okajima-kun's." She whips her head, gives him a look of surprise.

"Okajima-kun's?"

"Yeah," he lets out a short laugh.

"I thought he was always just taking ero pictures with that camera of his."

"That's what I thought too."

They spent their time looking at the pictures inside the photo album, letting out "Remember this"'s and "Yeah"'s and "How about that day when"'s, talking about selected topics about the past that couldn't possibly bring up _that_ day. When it got too late, Nagisa stands up.

"Do you want me to leave the photo album?" he asks her. Kayano looks up at him and shakes her head. She hands him the album.

"No. Take it."

"Okay," He took the album, puts it inside his bag. "I'll see you tomorrow Kayano."

"Yeah."

"Kanzaki-san, thank you." he tells her while giving the photo album back to her. It was really a big help, he wouldn't have known what to say without it.

"I'm glad that it could help you." Kanzaki smiled happily, taking the photo album. "You need more help? I can go with you today, provide conversation starters."

Nagisa shook his head and gives the woman one of his small smiles. "No need. I think I can handle it."

Nagisa opens the door to Kayano Kaede's room, something he's been doing for quite a few months now that it's become almost normal to him. The woman sitting on the white hospital bed in the middle of the room sees him and smiles in greeting. She's been friendlier to him ever since he showed her Okajima's photo album a few months ago, and he's determined to keep it like that. He avoids mentioning that time, for her sake (for his sake as well, though he tries not to think that).

Something feels off about the woman though, her cheeks are flushed, a bright red that he hasn't seen on her face in ages. A knit forms on his eyebrows and he rushed to her side.

"Kayano, you okay?" The female nods, the smile never leaving her face. He touches her forehead with his, feeling the girl's high temperature.

"You're hot," he whispers to her, unmoving, and his blue eyes briefly makes contact with her golden ones, and he feels the rush of blood as his face colors as well, realizing their close proximity. He quickly removed his forehead from hers and sat down, murmuring a quick apology while looking away to hide his face, but the woman was too delirious with fever to notice.

"You should lie down Kayano." he tells her after he recovers from the blush. Kayano shakes her head and continues to smile at him. He stares at her. It was probably the medicine the doctors gave her, Nagisa thought.

"I like you Nagisa,"

 _Yup,_ he thinks. _It is the meds._

"Kayano, you should sleep." He places both hands on her slender shoulders and gently tried to push her down but the woman won't budge.

"I like you," she continues. "I like you ever since we were in middle school. I still like you, you know. I never stopped liking you."

Nagisa stops his futile efforts of trying to make her lie down and looks at her, his face once again flushing a bright red at her words.

"Kayano, I—" his words were cut short when he feels soft lips touch his own, and he gives up all logical thought. His mind melts into a puddle as he kisses the ravenette back, the right hand on her shoulder making its way to her cheek. He breaks it off unwillingly, needing the oxygen to circulate his whole body. His thumb gently caresses her cheek, and the female slowly falls asleep.

Kayano tried to explain her behavior the next day, but Nagisa only whispered an "I understand", and shuts her up with a kiss.

Kayano Kaede, no Yukimura Akari, seems like she's been getting better as time passes by, and Shiota Nagisa does seem to be giving out more sincere smiles lately. The doctors monitoring Kayano seems pleased about this progress, they're even thinking about discharging her soon. Of course Kanzaki is happier than them. Her two friends are starting to open up, maybe they'd even be able to talk about that time and free themselves of the misery and guilt they've been imprisoned in for far too long.

"Hello Nagisa," the female greeted with a smile adorning her lips (she's been smiling a lot lately) as soon as the door slid open and the bluenette entered.

"Hey Kayano," he replied, with a smile of his own. He gave her a peck on her lips and sat down on his chair by the bed, and looks at her with a smile at first, but the expression quickly vanishes, replaced by a seriousness that made the bedridden girl quite nervous.

"What is it Nagisa?" she asks.

"We have to talk." Kayano stares at him blankly and he stared back. She knows about what he wants to talk about which scared and confused her. She thought that they have a silent agreement not to talk about that time, but looking at the situation now, it seems like the bluenette has steeled his nerves.

"We have to talk," he repeated. She shakes her head, doesn't look at him.

"Look Kayano, it wasn't your fault." he tells her, grabbing her shoulders and slightly shaking her. "You have to stop feeling so guilty about it. None of it was your fault. He— sensei— wouldn't want to see you like this." Kayano shakes her head, says nothing else.

"Kayano!" the bluenette shook her again, this time with more force. Kayano looks up at him with an expressionless face.

"Do you have any idea how sickening it was to plunge that blade through his heart?" she asks, the question leaving him dumbfounded.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to take someone's life? It's hard Nagisa. It's been giving me nightmares ever since." She feels the hot tears falling down her cheeks and then arms wrapping around her protectively.

"I'm sorry." he whispers, repeats the two words like a mantra. "I'm sorry for being a coward. For letting you take all the pain. I'm sorry for being so weak, Akari. I'm so sorry." Kayano calms down, hearing him say her real name having such an effect on her. She wraps her arms around his waist, whispering sweet words to him.

"Don't blame yourself ever again, okay Nagisa?" she tells him, after Nagisa has calmed down enough.

"Kayano—"

"Akari," she corrects him. He lets out a small smile and begins again. "Akari, it wasn't your fault either. We have to forgive ourselves, let go of the guilt we've been holding for too long. To be honest, I was afraid to see you. I thought seeing you would mean going back to those nightmares I forced myself to forget."

"Nagisa..."

Nagisa cups the female's face with his hand and looks at her. "But I was wrong. I never thought that seeing you again would finally set me free. I only hope it has the same effect on you Akari."

The female nods and gives him the brightest smile she's ever given him.

Nagisa went home that night, feeling lighter than usual. The heavy burden he's been carrying for so long finally leaving him, making him look at things in a new perspective.

Nagisa decided to buy her flowers, something he thinks he should've done a long time ago. He takes his time walking, and when he finally reaches her room, he finds it empty, with the white blanket all messed up. He leaves the flowers inside the room, searching for her everywhere, calling out her name. He decides to check the rooftop, the nervousness building inside him. She can't really think of doing anything stupid, can she? After last night, it seemed like everything would finally be alright.

He opened the door with so much force he nearly broke it in half. He found her, standing on the edge of the rooftop, looking down at the road. She must really be a genius actress, he thinks, to have him believe that she's alright. To have him believe that she's in love with him...

He reached out for her, unable to scream out her name, paralyzed by the fear engulfing his heart. She gives him that serene smile she gave him just the night before, her hair flying in the wind. One foot slowly found its way to the air. And then another. And it seemed like time froze and she was flying. In that moment, he thinks he's seen an angel, so magnificent and breathtaking, her arms spread wide. But then gravity does its work and she's falling... falling.

The bluenette unfreezes but it's too late. She's gone, together with the past she couldn't escape.

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry for rushing the whole story. I know I could've done better, but I'm so busy with life I couldn't find the time to continue this. I just know I had to finish because I promised I would. I started writing this before the whole Nagisa-decides-to-be-a-teacher thing happened and I'm too lazy to change it. Sorry for sucking ono Thanks for giving Middleground some of your time ^^ AKARI-NEE THIS ONE'S FOR YOU TEEHEE TEEHEE**

 **- _olympicmayhem_**


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